Sometimes I hate it here.
But then I look up.
Or look at birds, which is why I skipped church that day.
Look Up
La Punta: Lima’s Top Tip
There is more to Lima than what meets the gullet.
Minority
There I am at this bus station, trying to stay warm before dawn when my eyes spotted the egg-shaped woman on a blanket.
Viernes Santo (Good Friday)
In her last years, my mom was convinced she was a part-time prophet of Jesus. I didn’t doubt her, except for her story about Moses having a gun.
Lima Traffic: This is how I will die.
Really God? Is this how I will go? Not eating a bad bug in a remote Asian village? Not falling off the side of a cliff in Vietnam trying to fetch my phone? But by crossing the street in Peru where a Policia is supposed to be watching?
When in Lima…Donde fueres, haz lo que vieres.
In Lima, Peru, do as the dogs do.
Cheeses Christ
There’s only one way to describe the mercados in Lima, Peru: you just died and went to …well, you know.
Kennedy Park: the Cat’s Meow
There are forty-two cats in Lima’s Kennedy Park, one of which is a devote Catholic.
When Life Gives You Lima Beans
This chapter of my life will officially be over. I’m leaving Asia, heading towards Peru.
My Forrest Gump Moment
That’s me in the official promo photo (which is unofficially being posted by me).
Loy Krathong–Let it go!
Today is the day when everyone in Thailand acts like Elsa in the movie Frozen, singing Let it Go. eyelashes. That’s what Loy Krathong is about, letting go of the bad and starting new.
The third time I thought I was going to die.
Planned holidays were being rewritten by Mother Nature and I didn’t approve of her script.
This is where I dropped my phone.
Tour groups in Asia are no different than those at Disney World except you ride a bus instead of the Monorail and have a slight chance of getting an intestinal parasite as a souvenir.
Goodbye Zàijiàn
I’ve never got kicked out of a country before, but let me tell you, it’s a bit more dramatic than getting kicked out of high school chemistry, which happened on a weekly basis.
Nóng jiā lè Farm Restaurants
Colonel Sanders, move over. If you want chicken, visit a Nóng jiā lè 農家樂 or farmhouse restaurant in rural Yunnan.
Dàbiàn 大便(Gotta go)
Where do you go when you gotta go in China? Not here.
Why do I hike?
When I find myself literally at the end of a rope in China, hiking is the ultimate brain eraser. Either I’m concentrating on the beauty or not slipping, totally forgetting that the snack I purchased for my cat was freeze dried baby birds (I will spare you the photo).
Chinese Hospital Food
I have eaten a lot of strange foods in Asia but this week, my tastebuds ventured to a cuisine that the FOOD CHANNEL has yet to try. Chinese Hospital Food.
二三 èr sān (Twenty-three)
Jing Cheng, like many Chinese boys, is dressed head to toe in Michael Jordan apparel, the real deal, not the bootlegs. He has Nikes on his feet, an 二三 sweatband on his wrist, and a red BULLS jersey that he wears every day, even though it is pushing twenty-five years since MJ put on his for the last time in Salt Lake City.
I broke something at a Monastery.
I broke something at the Fuguo Monastery. No, I didn’t have to buy it.
Xbanna
While Xbanna has more temples than Lucky Charms has marshmallow bits, my favorite thing about this lush city is the bird walker park.
My moment in a motivational poster.
I’m no longer in China. I’m in the land of inspirational posters.
Lunch at an International School
only see in the lunchroom of an international school in China.
Masks of 2026
So many things I learned about my students, thanks to a twenty-five cent mask.
I didn’t event this language. I just teach it.
I don’t remember learning grammar. I remember Kathy Lawton throwing up in the fifth grade, Richard Elliot drinking the water in the fish tank, but the rules deciding when to use raise or rise?
Nails
Hopefully, someday, Easter will be restored to a holiday where I can enjoy going to church, biting the heads off chocolate bunnies instead of eating frozen pea-sicles, and thinking about the nails of the crucifixion, not mine.
Takes a Washing, Keeps on Watching
My Huawei phone went through the washer, literally, and it still works!
Tombs and Brittle Bones
It’s sad. Folks spending eternity in a cemetery really are forgotten. We have don’t even have a word for them. We have words for the grounds (cemetery, necropolis, catacombs), words for the urns and burial stones, words for that stupid piece of plastic on the end of your shoelace (aglet), but no word for our collective of loved ones that left us their Hummel collections.
Pink fěn hóng sè 粉红色
In China, who knows what the flavor Pink would be. There are firecracker red hot dogs, black eggs, purple rice, orange mushrooms, green oranges, and clear grain alcohol that can clean your clock. But pink?
Parlez Vous Bank Bot?
Banking from China is ludicrous no matter who you bank with. For starters, you have to get up before Five AM to talk with a human, that is, if you are granted the right to talk.
Best Line Awards
I just don’t know the meaning of the meaning.”
Maus Mouse shǔ 鼠
If your school’s reading scores are in the bottom 33 percentile, you shouldn’t be banning books. Do whatever it takes to get your students to read.
Red Earth hóng tǔ 红土
This is not the place you’d want to be during an earthquake. These old houses are made out of mud brick.
January 5
Hospice is both the most wonderful and hardest endeavor I have ever experienced.
The Line
A week’s worth of Covid Testing in Xishuangbanna. China in order to get a coveted travel certificate.
Lock Down
the only thing that can top earthquake on vacation is a city-wide lockdown for mandatory Covid testing.
Rice 饭 Fàn
his year for Christmas, I travelled to Xishuangbanna, where rice is anything but a bland side dish. There are rice stuffed pineapples, purple sticky rice, speckled rice dumplings wrapped in Bamboo leaves, and rice stuffed bamboo shoots.
Chinese Bird Walkers
Bird walking in China is a popular hobby with men. It’s like car shows. but with songbirds, not T-birds.
Xishuangbanna: The Other Side
I–like everyone else–thought the world would be spinning by now, but no. We are right back where we started, well sort of.
How I worked off my Thanksgiving Dinner
, I was very patriotic this holiday in China. I ate my part. How did I work off those calories so I’d avoid a New Years Resolution of losing a few kilos? I took an after-dinner stroll in the Yunnan countryside.
Local Color
I went to Kunming’s Museum of Contemporary Art this weekend and viewed what I thought was an abstract poodle. While I enjoyed the art, I found the streets just as colorful. This bean lady at the market reminded me of my mom. I really think it was her. She didn’t have her own booth or her own QR code, but […]
Paperwork
Working at an international school, I have been trained for fires, earthquakes. Hostage Takeovers. But what if a student gets stuck in the bathroom? It was photo day and my class was right after the snapping of pictures. Mars’ bow tie was next to the crayons. Albert’s jacket was on the back of his chair. But Yael’s kitty cat ears? […]
fēi bèn飞起 getting high
Unlike video games that give a hit of dopamine, reading will never make you high. It is work but it will take you places you’ve never imagine.
Pīng Pāng Qiú
Lou, like many of the students at an international school, is a SPAMMER, which some call a Third Culture Kid or TCK. I prefer calling them SPAM. They are a mystery found in every country that’s actually a blend of lots of things.
Shangri La Abugi
My guide, who I swear was a reincarnated goat, does the Abugi trail six times a week, hauling snacks of Baozi and hard boiled eggs for the trekkers and a pack of smokes for himself.
Unfinished Posts
I’ve started a lot of posts that I didn’t finish about Kunming. Oh well. Maybe if I post the photos that inspired them, you can write your own endings.
Nǐ chī le ma?” Have you eaten lunch?”
It was the kid’s version of a drug pat down at an international airport. “Do you mind opening up your milk carton?” The command came from Miss Kindermen, my second-grade teacher, her hair spun into a black beehive while my eyes were mesmerized by her psychedelic dress. She looked like she belonged on Laugh-In, not a classroom. Her blue-shadowed eyes […]
Bat Man 蝙蝠 侠: A mask-less hero
the bat (literal translation of 蝙蝠 侠) has caught over six-thousand thieves over the past forty-two years in Kunming, Yunnan, with this home-made spiked club.
Irritable Vowel Syndrome
You know it’s going to be a long day when the rules for the English Speaking Competition are written in Chinese.
Juan by any other name
What’s there to see in Wuhan China? Don’t expect to find a “Covid Memorial”.
An American in Wuhan
Oh yes I did! I have just completed the Covid 19 Triple Dog Dare. I went on a cruise, ate at a buffet and ended up in Wuhan, then lived to blog about it. Actually, it’s not as insane as it sounds. Since I’m “land-locked” in China this summer, I thought I’d finally see the country. It’s not like I’ve […]
Pokes and Probes
So what’s an expat to do when it’s time to get back on the saddle again–wait–I mean back in the stirrups? Make an appointment at Women’s Angel Hospital for a pap smear and mammogram. Considering China makes more babies than any other countries, maybe it’s time we trust them with other female needs.
Chenglish Shore Drive
Some signs should be changed. But changing Lake Shore Drive signage in Chicago? That’s crazier than Chenglish.
Temple Attire
So, just what do you wear to a temple or monastery, even if it’s one for chickens in Shangri La? It depends on if it’s a Buddhist temple, monastery, or the Hundred chicken temple.
Yak and Hack
Does anyone know of a good wine pairing for yak? That’s what you eat in Shangri La. And don’t laugh. Yak is where it’s at. I was referred to this little hole in the wall, a Tibetan version of a blue plate diner. I ordered Diced Yak with noodles and Yak Meat Pie. The crust was amazing. Plus, I had […]
Traditions
In China, you don’t have to go to funerals. The funerals come to you.
Born to be like ginger
In America today, I officially turn into human wallpaper. It’s my birthday, or 生日快乐 shēng rì kuài lè, in Chinese. But no Barbie dolls or pin the tail on the donkey games this year. I turned sixty. The big Six-O. In dog years, I’d be dead. In America, childhoods that pre-date Google means you have become as desirable as panty […]
My Dad’s car was a horse
Somewhere over the years, the quest for knowledge has been replaced with a desire for a better GPA. And whatever their Grade Point Average it isn’t good enough.
Chest Pain Preferred
For less than the cost of your monthly Verizon bill, you can get a colonoscopy in China.
Museum of Me
The plate is just one of the relics that followed me back to China, packed in bubble wrap, between Costco size jars of Nutella and cylinders of Parmesan Cheese.
You Care Too Much
The three words silenced my room: “What the hell?” They weren’t from a junior high student, because the utterance would have been in Chinese. The slip of the tongue was from a second grader. From the same kid who doesn’t know his sight words. I looked at a coworker, who heard it too. While I was thinking about school policies […]
Smoke
There is a famous Chinese proverb: 不到长城非好汉. He who has never been to the Great Wall is not a true man. And after he visits the Great Wall, he picks up a pack of cigarettes. Smoking is huge in this country, even with doctors, including my “no chicken, no OJ, drink broccoli juice” acupuncturist. Before the young doctor light his cigarette, […]
吃货 (chī huò) Foodies
Huǒ guō or hot pot, is to Kunming, China what deep dish pizza is to Chicago. It’s a combination between a meal and a game of Truth or Dare
Never Pick a Cool Name
Bilingual book for Chinese children learning English
China’s Got Talent
What could be more adorable than a Chinese five year old dressed up as Curly the cowboy? The one re-enacting a dinosaur battle. It was the Chine Speaks English competition in Kunming, and I got to be a judge for the shortie division ( four to eight year-olds). Participants were judged on their ability to speak English, not if they could comprehend […]
Cool Adventure
Hip. Swag. Dope. Just some of the American slang my Chinese students discussed when the topic du jour was the word, “cool”. I ended the lesson discussing another idiom for cool, “freaking freezing!” It was the only way to describe the splizzardy weather in the city of Eternal Springs, where snow siting is as rare as seeing a M?iguórén bundled up in a […]
Putting your best 脚 jiǎo forward.
At first, it just felt like a pebble in my shoe. No big deal. But then suddenly, out of nowhere, try it felt like an abscessed tooth migrated to the ball of my foot. Ouch! Now I understand why they shoot horses. It’s something called Morton’s Neuroma, a thickening of the skin around a nerve between two toes, common in […]
Get your Zao on!
Most people complain about their morning commute to work. Not me. My forty minute walk to work is like jumping into a Dr. Suess book. But replace the Cat in the Hat with Kung Fu Panda wannabes and the puff balls of Who-ville with beautiful gardens of the World Horticultural Expo in Kunming. And oh yes, replace saying G’morning with […]
Chinese Whippersnappers
It sounded like gunfire but it couldn’t be. I wasn’t in Chicago, I was in China. The sound was coming from across the street, not in an alley with gang bangers but a group of old men spinning their tops, an activity they call tuó?luó, pronounced tow-ah-low-ah. ?? These guys crack a whip at an old school over sized top, […]
Shruāng is wrong!
Shu?ng ? , or frost, is my Mandarin word for the day. It rhymes with “wrong”. And that’s exactly how it looked covering all the flowers on my walk through the Kunming Horticultural Expo this morning on my way to school. Coming up with goofy sentences is my approach to learning new vocab. And that giant monkey you see near […]
Chinese Funky Chefs
As a head cook, I began each morning chopping fifty onions. But not in China. Employees gather in front of the restaurant before their shift and do a quick exercise and get their cha cha on. The one guy in red doesn’t look happy that I’m filming.
Szechuan Peppercorns 花椒鹽
Hu?ji?oyán , better known as Szechuan Peppercorns, are the culinary equivalent to firecrackers. Here is a Chinese boy’s description of this explosive spice. Remember, hu?ji?oyán are not a toy! You could blow your taste buds off.
Hot Pots, Pig Snouts, and Stinky Pillows
If it’s not moving on your plate, eat it,” my dad would always say. But what if it’s still moving? I had that dilemma last night when invited to a Hot Pot dinner in Kunming, China. What is Hot Pot? It’s the culinary attraction of Yunnan, a Chinese fondue of sorts. But instead of crusty bread into a molten cheese, […]
Airline Math
How do you pick a good flight to Asia? Even a good priced ticket to China makes you cringe when you press the BUY NOW button. But if it’s less than 24 hours door to door, it’s worth every penny. By door to door, that includes, schlepping to the airport and down time between connections. It even includes security checks, […]