Patagonia by bus.

I reread the email again thinking it was a mistake.

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THE DEPARTUTRE DATE HAS BEEN DELAYED BY FOUR DAYS

The trip being a four-day freight ferry excursion from Peurto Montt to Peurto Natales, Patagonia, where I’d be unplugged for ninety-six hours and float past the fjords of southern Chile.

The trip being the linchpin to my month-long itinerary, a Jenga tower of hotel bookings and flights. I have been antipating hiking the Laguna de los Tres in El Chalten, Argentina, for months, MONTHS!!!, it giving me motivation to grade papers after my pen ran dry. I would tell myself, if you can read this student’s handwriting, you can hike the Laguna de los Tres!

I have survived worse scenarios than a fractured itinerary. An airport in third world countries closing down on the cusp of COVID, hitching a ride from a toothy stranger in the middle-of-nowhere Thailand, wading through a flood in Vietnam to get to a train station. Surely I can figure this out.

I patchworked together a new itinerary with my backpacker’s survival kit that includes flexibility, a good attitude, and a credit card. And Dramamine. Always bring motion sickness meds as part of your back up plan.

This itinerary would begin at the bus depot in Puerto Monnt, winding through Chile’s lake district to Bariloche Argentina, where I’d roll myself in chocolate and buttery croissants, the influence of Europe as thick in the air as the smell of pine needles.

From there, I’d endure a 28-hour bus ride to El Calafate in Patagonia. If man can make it to the moon, I could make to to Patagonia on a bus. For those of you who are geographically illiterate, the bus ride between those two Argentinian cities ia about the same distance as NYC to Los Angeles, just like that 70s movie, Cannonball Run, minus Burt Reynolds.

I booked the ticket, but only after gorging on incredible homemade pasta with a rustic mushroom sauce at this Italian restaurant nestled in the center of the city.

There were two bus drivers on the Patagonian Cannonball, and when I boarded, only three passengers. A bathroom, reclining seats, 180 panoramic views, but for those who’d rather stare at their phones, Wi-Fi. I was expecting the few to be thousands of miles of where God forgot to paint the canvas. Actually, the view was a montage from the Discovery Channel.

First snowcapped mountain peaks followed by sapphire blue lakes before the bus snorkeled though a sea of pinetrees.

10:21 El Bolson

12:10 Cushamen

So much nothing. It was like driving thru that meditative state you can never reach when you meditate, completely void of everything.

My brain could not live here.

12:48 Esquel

2:20 Tecka

2:47 Plutrachoique

I’ve already ate my lunch and dinner and snack. I wonder if astronauts eat out of boredom when they travel, wolfing down bags of dehydrated ice cream because they don’t know what to do with themselves.

The bus is almost empty…now five passengers…giving everyone a lot of space to sprawl out. One of the original sojourners is a French student who attended university in Mendoza . He speaks English. Another traveler is a woman with a bad haircut who cat connect to the WiFi. The other two look like locals as they are not carrying backpacks the size of refrigerators. Finally, a twenty minute stop, just long enough to see this kitty.

Now, the mountains and patches of green are gone. The landscape looks like the backdrop of a Clint Eastwood western. I think about my friend John who helped transport two pigs from Florida to Washington state in the back of a van. All I recall from his adventure was that a pig got loose at a gas station.I give meditating another try. Can’t do it. I log into the NYT and play WORDLE instead.

Cloud shadows

Parts of the road weren’t even a road. There was about a forty, minute stretch between 5:30 and 6:30 where I wanted to mainline Dramamine, the driver zigging over jaggedy pavement, dodging potholes.

Other times, there was just loose gravel. The air inside the bus was as dusty as the air outside at times. Imagine eating dust flavored cotton candy. My sinuses were not happy. Llamas dotted the sandy moonscape, blending into the sparse environment. Actually, they are guancos (my Peruvian friends corrected me).Where do they find a drink of water? Several lesser rhea, the ostrich’s South American cousin, also sprinted across the vista.

So this is what a Buddha’s brain feels like…with an occasional guanco running into frame. I can’t wait until dusk because dusk never comes.

We did stop for a twenty-minute lunch break, the drivers gave us sack meals, slightly better in quality than what you get flying coach with Delta. I got some local yogurt that is insane. Chunks of fruit, no added sugar so it’s yogurt that tastes like yogurt instead of melted ice cream.

A few hours later, an insane sunrise dotted with galloping guancos and a few rhea. The journey was beautiful…a lot like train travel minus the rails and in some places, loose gravel. I thought about the loose gravel in my mind. The same old New Years resolutions. The big six-five. Then I wondered if my kumbucha exploded or was it ok on my balcony in Barranco. Where my next adventure should be.

During long stretches Google maps couldn’t update desolate locations, but WiFi was impeccable. Other times, the force of the wind pushed against the bus, causing the bus to rock like a small sailboat.

After 24 hours, a stop was made in El Chalten, the trail head for El Parque Nacional Los Glaciares, where I’ll be next week. Several passengers got on for the final three hours of the journey, fluttering foreign languages and reaking of salami.

Salami, like durian, should not be allowed in situations where passenger hygiene is already questionable.

So I survived. Not only did I survive, when I checked into my hotel, they upgraded me to The Three Little Bears suite. Three beds and a stove to make my own porridge!

Woohoo!

Price? About 200 USD at the time of writing this. Bus carrier:ElChaltenTravel.@El Parque Nacional Los Glaciares

I would not recommend driving the road to Patagonia in a rental, because at times is not a road, but the El Chalten bus? Definitely a breathtaking way to see Patagonia.