I went to America for a week and all I got was a lousy concussion?

“Ginger! Ginger!”

I heard my friend call. I was by my luggage ready to go to the airport, luggage that was bulging with fifty pounds of “Can’t Get This In Peru” whatnot. Chocolate covered cherries. Maple Syrup. Barrels of Costco vitamins, wash clothes, Good N Plenty, and Expo White Board Markers. Except I wasn’t standing by my luggage, I was doing a face plant.

Don’t ask me how I go there.

But I had a plane to catch and eleven hours of movies to catch up on.

My head felt funny, and I didn’t think anything of it, not even when I arrived in Lima eleven hours later with a shiner. Actually, my eye looked like what rock start would wear in the seventies with strips of blue and purple.

My kids stared at me the next day at school. I told my second graders I was chased by a bear. It keeps them in line.

My brain felt like melting jell-o, or that feeling you get when you pull yourself out of a pool after falling in with all of your clothes. Swishy. A little soft. Still needing a bit more time in the fridge. I thought maybe it was the jet lag, but there isn’t jet lag going to Peru. Or maybe something weird happens when you cross the border, moving from the shorter days of autumn to the longer days of spring.

I kept losing things and didn’t think much until Friday, because, well, I always lose things. Keys, my phone, my commuter coffee cup. But Friday, going to school, things got really weird. It was as if I had Captain Kirk’s transporter and was beamed to a new dimension. The street where I’ve walked to school every single day became skewed, the glistening plastic liters of water (for dog owners to clean away their dog’s doing) became a path of vertigo. For a few seconds, I didn’t know where I was. I thought, maybe it was because my brain was on autopilot, but still, I shouldn’t have crossed into the Bermuda Triangle. I panicked for a few seconds until I reorientated myself, a flashing sign in my brain bleeping Warning! Warning!

Things got even weirder. I turned on the news and saw Trump talk about Arnold Palmer’s –wait–that really happened!

And then I went to the US Embassy to ask about voting abroad (the Republicans are making a stink about Michigan voters. Hey–if I pay taxes for your roads, I’ll get to vote). But when I went to the Peruvian Embassy, the only thing the consulates wanted to talk about was peanut butter importers.

Wait–that really happened too!

Then I lost my keys.

That always happens!

And the craziest thing…when I got back to my apartment, I thought the building was transformed into a giant bottle of vodka. Wait, that’s true! I live inside a vodka bottle!

And when I went hiking? I thought someone stole Lima and replaced it with a pile of sand. Wait! That is true! If you hike around the point in Chorrillos, you’ll find a lot of beautiful nothing…and a few guys shooting guns at tires as well as surfers That’s not a hallucination– so be careful.

So, five hours in the Emergency Room and five hundred dollars later, I found out my brain’s OK. Well, at least according to a neurologist who was still a good foot shorter than me in spite her platformed white work shoes. I was able to tell her the correct date, touch my nose, and walk in a straight line. Good thing there wasn’t a test about bladder control.

I did bring back some memories from the states, which came back intact, including a visit to my brother-in-law who can no longer voter in Michigan, as his permanent address is now the military cemetery in Holly Michigan.

Also, Big Tommy, a fellow youth worker in Chicago. I missed his memorial service, but saw him on the plane in his glory. That really happened, too. Big Tommy experienced fifteen minutes of fame in the crowd scene of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Big Tommy is under the five hours until arrival message, waving, wearing a white hat.

Then when I landed in Lima, I thought that the customs/Border control area dumped me out in the duty-free shop. Wait–that really happens. You must walk through the shop to get to the baggage claim.

So, I went home and did some yoga. I did not confuse upward facing dog with downward faceplant.