Christianese

TastyFaith’s Guide to Christianese

Christianese is the language spoken by church goers that is seldom understood by anyone else. It is often known as religionese and can be harder to understand than Chinese. Unfortunately, there isn’t an app to translate religious lingo translation. So, if you are trying to figure out what Bible thumpers are trying say, scroll through this guide below for common translations of religious jargon. Originally published by TastyFaith in 2005.  

A

Abba: God the Father, also an upbeat seventies band

Abomination: something God really hates, including idol worship, sex outside of marriage, lousy sacrifices, and magic but not watching porn on a hotel TV  if you are a pastor attending an out of town conference.

Abstinence: saying no when your hormones say yes. Friendlier Phrases: HOPO (hands off, pants on), no wed, no bed. See also celibate

Abortion: something that won’t ever cross your mind if you practice abstinence

Accept Christ as your Personal Savior: accepting that Christ is who He says He is.

Accountability Partner: the person that you are honest with regarding things you are doing that you shouldn’t be doing

Adonai: Lord of Lords

Alive Church: a place of worship where people don’t peep their phones or doodle on bulletins during the service because the pastor has a great message that they can apply to their lives. See also Emerging Church

All Things Work Out for the Good of God: (Romans 8:28)A verse that is often shared with people at the worse time possible.

Almighty One: God. See also God

Altar Call: the uncomfortable part of a church service when the pastor asks if there’s anyone who wants to know more about Jesus, then asks them to walk down to the front of the sanctuary for prayer. You either feel guilty because you didn’t walk down or feel like everyone is staring at you because you did walk down. See also Soul winner Classic Christianese.

Amen: what people shout at church (particularly large ladies in nice hats) when they like what the pastor is saying. Also a popular ending to prayers. See also Hallelujah, Preach it brother

Angels: heavenly beings that are superior to humans in power. Do not necessarily have wings or halos

Anointed: what the pastor is if he can keep you listening for more than fifty minutes

Anointing: the God-given ability to keep Sunday church goers listening for more than fifty minutes

Apostle: a messenger from God who needs your financial support to pay for his private jet

Ark: an animal cruise ship that took a man named Noah over one hundred years to build, without any record of his wife complaining

Ark of the Covenant: the ark in the Bible that wasn’t built by Noah. Often confused with the floating animal hotel, this ark was a sacred hope chest that contained manna, the Ten Commandments, and the rod of Aaron

Armageddon: an event that you don’t want to be around for. The final showdown between God and Satan

Armor of God: the truth, righteousness, salvation and power of God’s Word that can protect you from the devil. Friendlier Phrases: born-again birthday suit, spiritual battle-wear, devil-proof vest, faith fatigues

Ascension: Jesus departing flight to heaven 40 days after His resurrection

Assistant Pastor/Associate Pastor: the guy who speaks when the pastor is out of town. See also Stunt pastor

Atheist: One who doesn’t believe in God but does believe in birth control. (According to the Christian Post, an atheist female is are less likely to have an abortion than a Christian female).  https://www.christianpost.com/news/70-of-women-who-get-abortions-identify-as-christians-survey-finds.html

Atonement: how Jesus’ death on the cross gave mankind a clean slate with God, restoring the relationship

Authenticity: to be real with the dysfunction in your life, instead of saying “everything is fine” when it actually isn’t

AWOL: Away With Out the Lord. See also Backsliding

B

Baby Christian: someone who is new to the faith

Backsliding:  the  spiritual equivalent of turning the treadmill in your bedroom into a clothes rack. Classic Christianese.

Balcony: the area in the main sanctuary where teens like to sit without parental supervision

Baptized: a humbling moment where a believer gets dunked by the pastor in a wading pool in front of the entire congregation (many of whom have cameras) to express his or her faith.

Baptized in the Spirit: a controversial term that causes division among Christians

Bare Witness: to tell others about your faith. Not to be confused with Gladly, the Crossed-Eyed Bear

Benediction: the last time the organ plays at church

Believe: the only thing that’s required of you to get into heaven

Believer: someone who believes that Jesus is the Messiah in spite of questions they may still have

Bible: leather bound book covered with a thin layer of dust that contains vital information. Also known as scripture or Holy Scripture. Now available in hundreds of languages including emoji bible.

Bible Belt: the area of the United States with very traditional Christian beliefs and practices, spreading from Oklahoma and Kansas to the South. See also Buckle of the Bible belt

Bible Study: a time that involves praying and reading of the scriptures, and if it’s a group study, refreshments.

Bible Thumper: someone who knows the Word of God like the back of his or her hand and isn’t afraid to let you know it.

Big Butt Verses: the verses found in Proverbs Chapters 12-15, which have a “but” in the middle

Big Guy in the Sky: God. See also Father, Heavenly Father

Biting the Big One: the original screw up in the Garden of Eden involving Adam, Eve and fruit from an off-limits tree. Often referred to as the fall of mankind

Blasphemy: showing lack of respect to God

Blessed: when God does something nice for you, just because He can.

Body of Christ: the total sum of pew warmers, deacons, greeters, ushers, choir members, elders, pastors, organist, fidgety children and the youth group.

Books of the Bible: the collection of 66 unique sections holy scripture that make up the Holy Bible; 39 books are in the Old Testament, 27 books are in the New Testament

Bored Again Christian: someone who peeps their Kindle during church

Born Again/Born Again Christian: someone whose faith has given them a new beginning by

Bread of Life: another name for Jesus. Just how bread is needed for physical life, a relationship with JC is needed for spiritual life

Bring into the Fold: getting people off their couches and into church on Sundays

Bring it to the Altar: heavy guilt-ridden term meaning stop worrying and pray about it already. If it involves a sin that’s an abomination, put this book down and start praying now.

Bringing in the Sheets: Misinterpretation of the old-time hymn Bringing in the Sheaves. Sheaves, by the way, are big stacks of grain

Buckle of the Bible Belt: Wichita, Kansas. See also Bible Belt

Building Fund: a place where money usually goes to pay for things like new carpeting and air conditioning instead of supporting missionaries in foreign countries who live in primitive housing with no carpeting or air conditioning

Burden: to be carrying around a heavy load in your head or heart

Butt Dust: What many children think God made people out of, due to their mis-interpretation of Psalm 103:14 “He is mindful that we are but dust”

By His Stripes We Are Healed: A popular lyric in hymns which makes children wonder if Jesus had stripes like a zebra. Actually, it’s referring to how Jesus was scourged to the point that His skin was stripped from his body before dying on the cross (Isaiah 53:5)

C

Call/Calling: getting supernatural motivation from the Holy Spirit to do what a sane person otherwise would not, such as chaperone a teen lock-in.

Calvary: the place outside of Jerusalem where Jesus died on the cross, not to be confused with the city in Canada-Calgary or cavalry, which is troops trained to fight on horseback

Candle Light Service: usually held on Christmas Eve, a special service where everyone gets to light a candle and play with melted wax instead of listening to the message

Carnal: the non-godly desires that get you in trouble

Carpet Time: the amount of time people who get slain in the spirit spend on the carpet

Carry My Cross: to follow JC through thick or thin

Cast Your Sins: give it up, already!

Cast Your Cares Upon Jesus: a reminder not to sweat the small, medium and supersize stuff

Catchers: strong able-bodied men who catch people who fall down following the laying on of hands

Catechism: required Bible school for kids who go to Catholic church

Catholic: the denomination of over half the people on this planet who believe in Christ

Celibacy: saving sex for marriage. See also abstinence

Celibate: someone who thinks with their head and not their pants and is able to save sex for marriage

Change: what an experience with Christ will do to you. Also, what youth leaders scrape up from under the seats of the church van to subsidize their annual budget

Chaplain: a spiritual leader who works with a special group of people, such as the branches of the military or those in the hospital. Often confused with a guy named Charlie in silent movies

Charismatic: believers who practice speaking in tongues, healing and attend church services that last a good part of Sunday afternoon.

Charismatic Church: a place of worship where spiritual gifts aren’t kept under wraps. See also Pentecostal

Choir Members: church members who wear burgundy robes and sing old hymns while seldom smiling

Christ Follower: another name for a Christian. A JC groupie, JC Junkie. See also Christian

Christ in my Heart: Your faith is the heart of your life. How everything you do revolves around the teachings of Christ

Christian: one who has more faith than questions about the Bible.

Christian Bubble: the place occupied by believers who can no longer relate to those who do not believe. It could be a church or religious institution, even a Bible college. See also the Holy huddle, Pew warmers

Christianese: language spoken by church goers that is seldom understood by anyone else. Speaking it can make one feel religious, but not very real. Christianese terms include but are not limited to: Born-Again Christian, Holy Huddle, saved, devotions, bring it to the alter, and the biggest word of all, sin. Also known as religionese or religiousese

Christian Fruitfulness: the results of living by the teachings of JC

Christian Horoscope: categories that Christians use to define and/or label a person by the time frame they were born, such as Millennial, Gen-Xer, Mosaic, Nexter, Post Modernist, Echo Boomer, Gen-Yer, Gen-Z,  Gen-Hash tagger, or Buster

Christmas Message: one of the two sermons that almost every American has heard (the other one being the Easter message), thanks to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special

Christmas Pageant: the play or musical performed by church members during the Christmas holiday season that depicts Jesus’ birth. Church members are encouraged to invite guests

Church: place where followers of Jesus come together to worship on Saturdays or Sundays that could range from a building with stained glass windows and sticky wooden pews to a renovated bingo hall. Also called a Worship Center.

Church Leadership: the group of people in the church that are usually upset with the youth department. See also Deacon, Elder

Clock Watchers: people in the pews who are constantly checking their watches to make sure that the speaker is done before their Sunday roast is

Coincidence: when God causes something to happen but doesn’t take the credit

Confess with your Mouth: to verbally admit that you believe Jesus Christ is who He said He is, and that He did what He said He did

Confession of Faith: same as above: to verbally admit that you believe Jesus Christ is who He said He is, and that He did what He said He did. Totally opposite of Confession of Sin because that is rarely confessed.

Communion: miniature cups of grape juice served with tiny pieces of bread (or saltines) that you eat while thinking about Jesus, resulting in the church service going about half an hour over. See also Sacrament

Come to Christ: to come to grips that JC is who He says He is, making Him the Lord of your life. See also Born again

Compassion: love in action that you show everybody, including the guy who cut you off during rush hour, the co-worker who got the promotion you deserved, and friends of your kids who raid your fridge without ever saying thanks

Concierge: what God is to those who go to Him only when they need something, such as direction when they want it, a ticket to heaven, or help with their personal baggage

Confess, Confession: tattle on yourself, admit

Congregation: church attendees, including visitors, pew warmers, and clock-watchers. Friendlier Phrase: Churchgoers. See also Flock, Body of Christ

Contagious Faith: when someone’s love for Jesus is so sincere, others want to learn more about it.

Convert/conversion: to stop practicing one belief system to start practicing another.

Conviction: knowing in your heart that you should do something that you aren’t doing or visa versa

Conscious: the warning bell that goes off inside of you when you are about to do something you know is wrong

Covered by the Blood: Jesus dying on the cross to pick up your sin tab

Covet: to want something that doesn’t belong to you to the point that you’re jealous of somebody who has it or are obsessed with it

Cross Training: Bible study, Bible exploration, Soul Food

Creator: Your Heavenly Maker. See also God

Creating a Craving for Christ: instead of telling somebody they need God,  make them  want Him. This is accomplished by actually enjoying one’s faith and smiling every once in a while

Crusade: a radical religious movement where Jesus rocks the world

Curse of Ham: this has nothing to do with indigestion caused by eating a pork sandwich, but how Ham, the son of Noah, found Noah drunk and naked, then told his brothers. Noah then cursed Ham for this. Gen. 9:22-25

D

Daily Vacation Bible School (DVBS): Summer event where kids make crafts out of popsicle sticks and learn about Jesus, usually with the help of a ventriloquist. Note: the word vacation and school should not be in the same sentence. Also known as Vacation Bible School (VBS).

Daily Walk: trying to follow what JC did on a daily basis, instead of on Sundays only. Classic Christianese.

Deacon: someone who is constantly upset with the youth department. See also Elder, Church leadership

Dead Church: place where kids doodle and eat life savers while their mothers watch their watches to make sure their roasts aren’t burning

Defile: to make unclean

Demons: angels who have quit God’s team to work for the competition

Demonic: term older Christians use to describe the music of younger generations

Denominations: the different brands of Christianity, each with slight differences in how they practice their faith. Christian Denominations include but are not limited to: Assemblies of God, Baptists, Catholics, Southern Baptists, Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Conservatives, Fundamentalists Evangelicals, Protestants, Pentecostals, Methodists, Seventh Day Adventists, Greek Orthodox, Inter-denomination, and non-denominational. Non-Christian groups that are sometimes confused with Christian Denominations include: Jehovah Witness, Unitarians, Mormons, and Christian Scientists

Devil: Satan’s other name that ends with evil

Devotions: one-on-one time with God.

Did a 180 with My Life: a way to describe the experience of faith changing your life

Did a U-Turn: another way to describe the experience of Christ changing your life and saving you from dead ends

Died for My Sins: what JC did on the cross. He picked up your sin tab, giving you a clean slate with God under one condition: that you believe in your heart that He truly did it

Died to Self: to give up your desires to do what God wants you to do

Disciple/discipleship: teacher/student relationship.

Divinity: depending on who you listen to, it’s either something of heavenly nature or a white marshmallow candy that is similar to circus peanuts in consistency

Divorce: one sin many Christians think God is not capable of forgiving

Doom and Gloom: a popular style of preaching where the speaker focuses on the bad of the world instead of the goodness of God

Do-over: a casual way of describing how you have a second chance at life

Doxology: the first song the organ plays at church and you’re not sure whether to stand up or sit down

Drive-By Evangelism: the act of sharing the gospel message with a group of people but having no intentions of developing a lasting relationship with them

Dude-a-ronomy: another way to talk about the guys in the book of Exodus wandering around a sandy desert for forty years

Dummy: a device commonly used by Sunday Schools and outreach programs to get children to listen to the Word of God

E

Easter Pageant/Play: the play or musical performed by church members during the springtime that depicts Jesus’ death on the cross. Church members are encouraged to invite guests

Easter Sunday: the day when everyone goes to church and hears the same sermon they heard last year

Echo Boomer: another name hip youth pastors use for Generation Y. See also Christian horoscope

Elder: someone who is part of church government, such as a board member of the church (not be confused with bored member) See also Deacon

Elohim: God the Creator/Covenant

El-Shaddai: God Almighty

Emerging Church: trendy term for hip new churches that break the mold of traditional churches, from the style of preaching, to the music and free Starbucks coffee

Enemy: someone Jesus commands you to love

Equally Yoked: to be connected with someone who has the same level of faith as you do.  It has nothing to do with symmetry between the yellow middle of eggs

Epistle: a written letter, usually to a group of people or church

Eternal: what a teen lock-in feels like to adult chaperones

Eternal Life Insurance Policy: believing in Jesus Christ for future benefits

Evangelism: to share the message of Jesus Christ with any and everyone, with your mouth as well as with your actions

Evangelist: someone who boldly shares their faith with anyone, often in public places with a megaphone or on late night cable in flashy clothing. Reminder, there should be an angel in the center of every evangel -ist. See also Televangelist

Evangelize: the act of sharing the message of Jesus Christ, regardless if you have a sandwich board or megaphone

Everlasting Arms: a saying that means you can always lean on God for support. See also Leaning on the everlasting arms

Everlasting Life: Believing that this life is just your first chapter

Evil: what Eve got a taste of when she ate the fruit of an off limits tree

Exalt: to lift up in praise

F

Faith: the verb that makes life an adventure

Faith Die-Hard: someone with incredible belief in Jesus

Faith Healer: someone who claims to heal on the behalf of God. Note: While God does heal, He does not require the help of someone with a bad comb-over and a flashy suit to pull it off. So don’t take everyone who says they can heal for real

Fall: the original screw up in the Garden of Eden involving Adam, Eve and fruit from an off-limits tree. Friendlier Phrase: Biting the big one

False Prophet: often seen on cable late at night, someone who says He has the inside scoop on God’s business, but does not

Fasting: a period of time where you give up eating or other activity to focus on God, but instead of going fast, it goes  s l o w l y

Fellowship: socializing over potlucks and store bought cookies after church in the area that doubles as the youth center. Otherwise known as organized gluttony.

Fellowship Hall: a place in the church with folding metal chairs where women’s meetings, youth group and potlucks are held

Final exit: death

Fire Insurance Policy: believing just so you won’t end up spending forever in hell

Fishers of Men: to tell people about Jesus. This phrase came into being because several of Jesus’ original disciples were fisherman

Four Spiritual Laws: a systematic way of starting a relationship with Christ, that is often depicted with a multi-color beaded bracelet or key chain with each color representing a different law. The four laws are: 1. God Loves you, and offers a wonderful PLAN for your life. 2. Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. 3. Jesus Christ is God’s ONLY provision for Man’s sin. 4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. Friendly Translation: 1. God loves you and wants to bless you big time. 2. As a human, you have the right to royally screw up your life. 3&4. Jesus can undo your screw-ups and pick up your sin tab if you ask Him to. See also Plan of Salvation

Flannel Graph: an antiquated device used in children’s church or vacation Bible school where cardboard figures of Jesus are stuck to a fuzzy board

Flannel Graph Jesus: a simplified view of Jesus that doesn’t focus on all of His dimensions (such as His strength and courage), just His soft and fuzzy side

Flesh: the part of you that likes to be naughty

Flock: what old time pastors call members of their congregation. Example: The pastor knows to start wrapping things up by 11:45, or his flock will get antsy. Friendlier Phrases: followers, believers. See also Pew warmers, Congregation, Sheep

Follower: believer in Christ, a JC wannabe. See also Christian

Four Regular Guys: another way to describe the men who wrote the four Gospels. Matthew was a tax collector (not that different from the guy at H&R Block who helps you with your returns), Mark had the makings of a great reporter, Luke was a doctor and John had the blue collar flavor of a local fisherman

Frankincense: an aromatic resin from the Boswellia tree that was one of the three gifts that the wise men gave Baby Jesus. No, it does not smell like Frankenstein

Free Gift: complimentary accommodations in heaven, yours for believing that Christ is who He says He is

Free Will: your God-given right to royally screw up your life

Free Willy: a movie about a whale

Friendship Evangelism: developing a friendship with someone before talking to them about spiritual things

Fruit of the Spirit: good stuff that happens to your personality when you become tight with Christ

Full-Gospel: a church that practices things like speaking in tongues and other Charismatic gifts. Usually loud

Full Throttle Faith: dialing up Jesus, dialing down yourself. See also On Fire for God, Contagious Christian

Fundamentalists: those whose interpretation of the Bible is anything but fun, which is why many refer to them as merely da mentalists

Fundraising: the full time job of missionaries and nonprofit Christian organization staff other than their full time job

Fundraising Letter: something you get in the mail or your inbox from someone who hasn’t talked to you in years, who will now call you every week until you return the donation card with an X marked next to “Yes, I’ll be a monthly sponsor!”

Funeral: one of the five occasions that cause nonchurch going people to go to church. The other four are: weddings, Easter, Christmas, or national disaster

G

Gentiles: the unchosen, non-Jewish people that small children often refer to as genitals

Gideons: the organization that puts Bibles in hotels around the world. It was started in 1898 by two Christians on the road who met in Wisconsin. It was named after Gideon, a guy in the Bible who was a leader of a group of men that dedicated their lives to serving God.

Gift of Salvation: how believing in JC can save you from the mistakes you make now as well as keep you out of hell later. No strings attached, no cost to you

Gladly the Crossed Eyed Bear: contrary to what many children believe, there is no bear in the Bible named Gladly. Instead, this is a common misinterpretation of the old time hymn Gladly the Cross I Bare

Gluttony: a popular sin Christians ignore. See also Gossiping

God: Creator, Jehovah, Your Maker, Almighty One, Most High. Friendlier Phrases: Father, Big Guy in the Sky, JC’s Dad. See also Jehovah, Yehweh

God’s Boy: Jesus

God Squad: to be a Christian. Example: I am on the God Squad. See also Born again

God’s Will: Something that will take you a lifetime to figure out

Golden Rule: Jesus’ #1 request of His followers “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31

Goodie Two Shoes: Christian

Good News: how JC dying on the cross entitles you to a free ticket to heaven with no blackout dates. Also called the Gospel Message

Good Shepherd: another name for JC

Gospels: the first four books of the New Testament with red type to highlight Jesus’ words. The books are: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John

Gospel Message: the good news of how JC’s death can give you everlasting life

Gossiping: a popular sin Christians ignore. See also Gluttony

Grace: how you are never too messed up for God to love you and give you a break

Great Commission: Jesus’ command to “go and make disciples of all nations” instead of to the old lonely lady at the end of your street

Great I Am: another name for Jesus

Great Tribulation: seriously bad times for earth that even Hollywood can’t replicate

Greet One Another: the awkward time in church when you shake hands with the people sitting around you, many with limp handshakes or grips that could crack walnuts

Guest Speaker: a longwinded friend of the pastor who tests the length of your attention span

Guilt: when you feel bad about something you did or didn’t do, especially if you have a Baptist or Catholic background. Friendlier Phrases: Guilt trip, got gunk in my trunk, carrying spiritual baggage

H

Hallelujah: what old ladies scream in church when the preaching is good, even if it’s a longwinded guest speaker. See also Amen, Preach it brother, Uh Huh

Hand: one of the most frequently used words in the Bible, appearing over 1600 times

Harold be Thy Name: how the first line of the Lord’s Prayer is often mis-interpreted by children. God’s name is not Harold. The line reads: Hallowed be the name. For other names of God, see also God, Jehovah

Harvest is Plentiful: there’s a lot of people who need to hear about JC

Have Jesus in One’s Heart: to have Jesus as the heart of one’s life

Hazardous to Your Spiritual Health: hanging with nonbelievers

Heathen: a term used in the Bible to describe people who are non-Jewish. Present day, it’s a term many Christians use to describe people who are non-Christians. So, depending on who you are talking to, anyone could be a heathen

Heaven: one of the two settings for the sequel to your life

Heavenly Father: God the Creator, Almighty God, Lord of Hosts, Father of JC. Friendlier Phrase: Big Daddy. See also Jehovah

He is Risen: Popular saying among Christians around Easter time meaning that JC was raised from the dead. See also Jesus is alive

Hell: H-E – double hockey sticks. A place worse than being stuck on a Greyhound bus (with broken air conditioning) for eternity while sitting next to someone who won’t shut up. In other words, your worse nightmare. Friendlier Phrases: there aren’t any

Hell-ophobic: another name for a Christian

Heresy: to go against the church

Holy Ghost: what God’s presence is called when it’s inside of you

Hip Youth Pastor (HYP): the young guy at church with a shaved head, soul patch, tattoos, iPhone, cool shades and Starbucks addiction who looks uncomfortable in a tie (male species Female Hip Youth Pastor (FHYP): the bubbly young lady at church with gobs of artistic talent and no Starbucks addiction or iPhone because she doesn’t make as much money as her male counterpart and can’t afford it

Holy: something so religious that you are uncomfortable making it part of your everyday. Explanation for why Holy Bibles are dust covered

Holy Huddle: another name for the Christian Bubble

Holy Roller: another name for a Christian

Home Groups: a get together involving ten to twenty people on a regular basis who meet in a home to discuss the Bible, chit chat and eat high calorie munchies

Hope: good vibes about things to come

Hosanna: an SOS cry to God for help, meaning “save us!”

Humility: something you have until you think you have it. Freedom of pride

Hushers: what small children call the ushers who are constantly telling them to be quiet

Hymnal: the musty smelling old book found on the back side of pews that contains a collection of songs people sing off-key. Soon to be replaced by power point and overhead presentations

Hypocrites: people who do the very things that they tell you not to do. Friendlier Phrases: Talk the talk without walking the walk, do as I say, not as I do. See also Pharisee

I

ia: (pronounced ee-ah) the last two letters of countries missionaries commonly go to: India, Romania, Bolivia, Russia, Indonesia, Zambia, Nigeria, Ethiopia. See also Stans

Idol: anything you put before God, including the TV remote

I Don’t Feel Called: get someone else

If it be God’s Will: don’t think God is gonna answer this one

I’ll Save You a Seat: if I have to go to church, you do, too

Immaculate Conception: the explanation of the virgin birth of Jesus Christ by his mother Mary. Also, what pregnant teen girls daughters of pastors have claimed to have had.

Immanuel: another name for Jesus

Impossible: a word that is not in God’s vocabulary. See Luke 18:27: “Things which are impossible with men are possible with God.”

Incarnate: God showing up in the flesh on this planet, better known as Jesus Christ

In His Grip: one of many salutations hip youth pastors use to flex their hipness. Others include: Keep up the Faith, In His Grasp, Keep It Salty, Keep a Christ Filled Cranium, Working While it’s Day, Blessings ‘n All That, Peace Up, Point Up, Take Time to Reflect

Iniquities: everything on your rap sheet, wrong doings

In reach: activities in the church that benefit those who already go to church

Intercession: the act of someone doing something  for you to get you off the hook for something you did. For instance, Christ’s act of intercession was that He picked up your sin tab, giving you a clean slate with God

Intercessory Prayer: to have someone who is on a SWAT Prayer Team pray for you

Inspiration by God: how God wrote the Bible through human hands

Inter-denominational: churches that include a melting pot of members with different backgrounds of Christian beliefs

Invitation to Accept Christ as One’s Personal Savior: an uncomfortable moment during a church service when the pastor asks if anyone wants to know more about JC. Those who raise their hands and say “Yes” have to parade to the front of the sanctuary for prayer. See also Altar call. Classic Christianese.

Invite Jesus into One’s Heart: making the decision to let Christ be the heart of your life, the center of your existence. Friendlier Phrases: take the Christian plunge, decide to take the bible seriously,

Invite Jesus into Your Life: making the decision to connect with JC on a daily basis.

It’s good to have you here: you haven’t sat on these church pews in ages

I’ve been Praying for You: glad I’m not in your shoes

J

Jehovah: an evolved spelling of Yahweh; the heart of God, a loving and personal God

Jehovah-jireh: the Lord will provide

Jehovah-M’Kaddesh: the Lord that sanctifies

Jehovah-nissi: the Lord my banner

Jehovah-roi: the Lord my Shepherd

Jehovah-ropheka: the Lord will heal

Jehovah-shalom: the Lord our Peace

Jehovah-shammah: the Lord is here

Jehovah-tsidkenu: the Lord of Righteousness

Jesus: JC, the Son of God, God’s Son, King of Kings, the Great I Am, Lord Shepherd, Lord of Hosts, Christ Jesus, Jesus Christ, Comforter, Lord and Savior, Savior, Messiah, Prince of Peace, Bread of Life, Light of the World, Alpha and Omega, Lamb of God. Friendlier Phrases: Carpenter’s Son, the Gutsy Guy from Galilee, Champion, God’s Boy

Jesus Freak: another name for a Christian

Jesus is Alive: popular saying among Christians around Easter time meaning that JC was raised from the dead. See also He is risen

Jesus Goggles: trying to see people and circumstances the way Jesus does

Jesus Is Coming: popular phrase seen on sandwich board signs worn by street evangelists

Jesus Sneakers: trying to walk in Jesus’ shoes. See also Compassion

John 3:16 Guy: the guy with the wild multicolored Afro wig you used to see on telecasts of golf tournaments, who is also known as Rainbow Man

Joy: a happiness that comes from knowing the promises in the Bible are real, so that happiness persists even when things get lousy. Also a popular brand of dishwashing liquid

Junior High Ministry: the toughest task God has ever given man since the parting of the Red Sea

Just Showing Up: the thing that makes a youth leader effective

K

Keep It Salty: a hip salutation used by Christians

Kid’s Church: place where kids can eat animal crackers, sing songs and learn about Jesus instead of fidgeting next to their parents in the main sanctuary

King of Kings: another name for Jesus

Kingdom: heaven

Kingdom of Darkness: what the devil reigns over

Kneel: something you have to do in a lot of churches when you pray

Knock: what JC does non-stop on the hearts of those who don’t follow Him, being as hard to ignore as a car alarm that won’t shut off

Knowing Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt: a phrase used to test one’s certainty if they are going to heaven or hell. It is usually used hand in hand with “If you were to die tonight

L

Lamb of God: another name for JC, since He was sacrificed like the Passover offering of a lamb. Friendlier Phrase: Lambo

Lamb’s Book of Life: the book with the names of those who have reservations in heaven

Laundry Service: what church can be for people who do whatever Monday through Friday, and ask forgiveness on Sunday. See also Hypocrite

Lay People: church goers who sit in pews and show up for potlucks

Laying on hands: the act of people reaching out and literally touching you while praying for you

Lead by the Holy Spirit: the opposite of “the devil made me do it”

Lead to the Lord: when a believer helps a non-believer take the Christian plunge

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms: a saying meaning that God is always there to lean on, through good times and bad

Left the Fold: when someone leaves the church or Christian faith

Life Style Evangelism: sharing the Christian faith with someone by putting Christ’s love to action, not just by sharing scripture. See also Creating a craving for Christ

Light of the World: another name for JC

Liturgy (Liturgical): church services that practice ritual readings, chanting or group movement to the point that you don’t know if you’re supposed to be kneeling or standing. Often Catholic or orthodox in origin. Friendlier Phrase: Religious aerobics

Live for God: when your actions and lifestyle reflect your Christian values

Living in Darkness: what somebody is doing if they aren’t living by the teachings of JC

Living Water: how JC quenches one’s spiritual thirst. See also Bread of Life

Lock-In: an all-night slumber party at the church where everything happens but sleep, and the adult volunteers vow never to have one again

Logos: a Greek word meaning the word of God

Lord: leader. Friendlier Phrases: Teacher, Instructor, Mentor, Friend, Champion. See also Jesus

Lord’s Day: opposite of Nascar Sunday or Football SundaY

Lord of Lords: another name for Jesus

Lord’s Prayer: a prayer said by Jesus to teach His followers how to pray. It is often misinterpreted by children as such:

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold be thy name. They kingdom come, I will be done With dressings made in heaven Give us this day our jelly bread, And forgive our trash baskets As we forgive those who Put trash in our baskets. Lead us not into Penn Station But deliver us some e-mail, For thine is the kindergarten, The flower and morning glories for ever. Amen.

Lost: those who haven’t found God….yet

Lost Sheep: sinners who’ve been b-a-a-a-d. Friendlier Phrase: those who don’t follow JC and need a shepherd to follow

Love: something that never fails

Love Covers a Multitude of Sins: something that’s easier said than done

Lukewarm Christian: someone who believes in JC, but isn’t totally on fire for Him, with no excitement or passion for the faith. See also Sitting on the fence

Lust: to want something that you know God doesn’t want you to want

Lord of Lords: another name for Jesus

Lord’s Prayer: a prayer said by Jesus to teach His followers how to pray. It is often misinterpreted by children as such:

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold be thy name. They kingdom come, I will be done With dressings made in heaven Give us this day our jelly bread, And forgive our trash baskets As we forgive those who Put trash in our baskets. Lead us not into Penn Station But deliver us some e-mail, For thine is the kindergarten, The flower and morning glories for ever. Amen.

M

“M”: the secret code word missionaries call themselves in China.  As if the same country that can hack into our government’s computers and release Hollywood movies on DVDs the same day they premiere, can’t figure out what “M” means.

Manger: Jesus’ crib

Mammon: money in a greedy sense

Mansion in the Sky: heaven. Reservations are accepted by Jesus Christ personally, who accepts calls 24/7

Manna: the original happy meal

Mature Christian: someone with a rich faith in Christ that only comes from time

Meek: the humble hearted who will inherit this planet

Meet You at The Pole: a yearly event for high schoolers where teens gather around the flagpole at their schools and pray

Megaphone: a popular tool of evangelists, often heard on street corners

Member of the JC Fan Club: another term for Christian

Messiah: another name for Jesus

Men’s Group: husbands’ excuse to get out of the house on Thursday nights

Mercy: the act of being nice to someone who doesn’t deserve it. For instance: “I had mercy on the driver in the SUV who cut me off on the highway without dropping her cell phone.” SEE ALSO GRACE

Minister: Someone who takes care of your spiritual needs; a doctor for issues heavy on your heart. See also: Preacher, Pastor and Reverend

Miracle: something good that happens which defies logic and was caused by God

Mission Fund: money that church goers are supposed to put into small envelopes to help starving children in foreign countries but spend at McDonald’s instead. See also special offering

Missionaries: families who have their pictures hanging up next to a map of the world in the church lobby, with a colored pin poked in country where they are serving; who are usually forgotten about except on Mission Sunday

Moral Absolutes: the notion that what is right and wrong does not change due to time or circumstances

Morphed: another way to say Christ changed you

Multi-Mama Drama: what Joseph and his eleven brothers from 4 different mothers experienced

Mustard Seed: about the size of this “•”, it’s the amount of faith required of you to move mountains. Tip: just make sure you move the right mountain

Myrrh: a plant extract that was one of the three gifts baby Jesus received from the wise men (along with gold and frankincense) that was also offered to Jesus (mixed with wine) before his crucifixion. Check it out in Matthew 2:11 and Mark 15:23

N

Name It and Claim It: to pray for something material that you want, such as a new car, claim it as yours, and expect God to give it to you

Nazareth: Jesus’ stomping ground, a bad area where nothing good was expected to come from

Neverend: a long-winded reverend with a sermon that seems like it will never end

Newbies: new believers of the Christian faith

New Creature, New Man: another way of saying you have new life in Jesus Christ

New Testament: second half of the Bible (last 27 books) that focus on the ministry of Jesus

NeXters: another phrase hip youth pastors use for Generation Y. See also Christian horoscope

Non-believers: people who are missing the boat when it comes to the benefits of being a follower of Christ

O

Occult: stuff dealing with evil spirits, witchcraft, tarot cards, Ouija boards, horoscopes or old Linda Blair movies

Offering Plate: plate that is passed around on Sundays that regular church goers put money in and feel guilty if they don’t

Old Testament: first part of the Bible (first 39 books) that deals with stuff before Jesus showed up

Olive Branch: the symbol of life that the dove brought back to Noah’s ark after the flood waters went down

Omnipotent: the one thing about God that makes it impossible to fully comprehend Him

Omnipresence: how God can be everywhere at all times

Omniscience: how God knows everything that has happened, even the future choices you haven’t made yet

One Way: how there’s only one way to connect with God, and that’s believing that Jesus is who He says He is

On Fire for God: someone who has dialed up the their faith to the extreme. Friendlier Phrases: Walking Billboard for Jesus, Holy Roller, Jesus Freak, Contagious Believer, Souled Out

Online with God: prayer

Organized Religion: opposite of unorganized

Original Sin: the sin that’s part of every human’s DNA since we are all descendants of Adam and Eve, the “original sinners”

Orphan: somebody the Bible says over and over and over again to take care of, so God must be serious about this one

Outreach: activities planned by a church or Christian organization that are to benefit those outside of the church, hoping to get them to show up on Sundays

P

Pagan: someone who worships a god other than that of the Bible

Parables: stories Jesus told to demonstrate a point. Similar to fables but with spiritual implication

Parachurch: an organization with Christian values and objectives that is not a church.  Examples: homeless shelters, tutoring programs, homework clubs, drug rehab centers, youth sport camps, health clinics, prison after care programs

Parent in a Youth Suit: the youth pastor

Parish: a fancy word for the administrative district of a church that is not to be confused with perish

Pastor: the guy doing all of the talking on Sunday morning. See also: minister, reverend, preacher

Pastor’s Kids (PKs): often some of the most rebellious youth in the church

Pastor’s Wife: the woman who sits in the front row of every church service and always look nice. See also the Subject of gossip

Patience: what you will develop by going through tough times

Peace Up: a salutation used by hip youth pastors

Pentecostal: a lively variety of Christianity. Friendlier Phrase: charismatic

Perish: a nicey-nice word for “to die” that’s not to be confused with parish

Personal Lord and Savior: letting JC be the Lord of your Life, Eternal Role Model, Champion

Personal Relationship with Jesus Christ: to connect with JC through prayer, Bible reading and study

Pew: uncomfortable wooden seating found in many churches that tends to get sticky in summer months

Pew Warmers: people who show up on Sunday mornings

Pharisee: a believer who is judgmental of everyone’s actions but their own

Point Up: a hip salutation used by hip youth pastors

Pomo: a post-modernist

Potluck: special church functions involving food containing a high fat content and possible botulism spores. Also known as organized gluttony

Plan of Salvation: steps you can take to detour spending eternity in a very hot place. Step 1. Confess with your mouth that JC is Lord. Step 2. Believe in your heart that God raised JC from the dead. Step 3. Stop doing the sinful things that you do and admit to God you’ve screwed up. See also Four spiritual laws

Posties: people who are post modernists. See also pomo

Post Modernism: believing what is true varies and is not absolute, including the definition of post modernism

Post Modernist: pomo

Praise God: something that is said by believers in response to something good. Example: After finding out that Bertha’s baby was born without complications, Aunt Wilma responded, “Praise God!” See also Amen

Praise the Lord Test: making teen girls lift up their hands to praise the Lord to evaluate if their tops are too scanty to be worn at a church function. If you can see their belly buttons, the tops are too scanty

Prayer: conversation with God. Friendlier phrases: a free therapy session with my Maker, online with God, one-on-one time with JC, vertical conversation

Prayer Meeting: organized gossip session

Prayer Room/Prayer Closet: mental state when you shut yourself off from interruptions to talk with God

Prayer Warrior: somebody who has made it a full time job to pray, usually an elderly lady at church

Preach: one of three categories of preaching styles. Some reach , others teach , those who fail at both, preach

Preacher: a pastor who fails to reach or teach those sitting in the pews. See also: Minister, Reverend, Pastor

Preach it brother: what people start shouting out loud in church if they like what the pastor is saying. See also Hallelujah, Amen

Preaching to the Choir: a common practice in the Christian bubble; keeping the message of JC inside the safety of the church

Predestination: how God knows your fate, even though you get to make your own choices

Present the Gospel: to talk to someone about Jesus Christ and the choice to follow Him

Prince of Peace: another name for Jesus

Proclaim the Gospel Message: tell people that Jesus loves them big time

Promoted: when a Christian dies and goes to heaven

Prophets: old guys in the Bible who got a sneak preview of future events

Prosperity Gospel: message preached by pastors and TV-evangelists who promise that your life will be good if you send them an envelope of money to pay for their private jet

Proverbs: verses found in the middle of Bible that remind you of wise sayings inside of fortune cookies, minus the crumbs

Public Profession of Faith: not being shy about making your religious beliefs known to others. See also Baptized

Pulpit: the wooden thing pastors stand behind when they preach on Sunday morning

Purpling: the un-chaperoned mingling of boys (blue) and girls (red) on jr. high retreats

Put it in God’s Hands: I can’t help you with that!

R

Rapture: the end of the world topic pastors preach about to scare teens into making a life long commitment to Christianity

Raven: the first bird to fly off Noah’s ark, even though the dove with the olive branch usually gets the credit

Recovering Baptist: anyone survived a guilt-ridden Baptist upbringing

Relational Ministry: focusing on building friendships with unbelievers instead of hammering them with the Bible to get them to check out JC

Regular Guys: another way to describe the four men who wrote the four Gospels. Matthew was a tax collector (not that different from the guy at H&R Block who helps you with your returns), Mark had the makings of a great reporter, Luke was a doctor and John had the blue collar flavor of a local fisherman

Relative Moralism: a trendy new term meaning your moral standards can change depending on how trendy you want to be

Repentance: confessing your sins to God and asking for forgiveness, ‘fessin up. See also Confess

Religionese: Christianese

Reprobate: one who is not on God’s good side

Resurrection: Jesus Christ being raised from the dead

Retreat: a weekend road-trip with other believers, usually ending up at a Christian camp facility, where you eat s’mores, play charades and pray

Revelation: the final and most confusing book of the Bible that nobody can agree on how to interpret

Reverend: another name for a minister, preacher, pastor

Revival Meeting: something that usually happens in a big tent, gymnasium or other rented space that’s supposed to wake the spiritually dead. Often involves traveling evangelists and special music

Religious Aerobics: see liturgical service

Righteous/ness: morally just, without blame

Rock of my Salvation: another name for Jesus

S

Sabbath: a fancy name for the day of the week you are supposed to keep holy, but instead watch football

Sacrament: something you do at church that has spiritual meaning, such as Communion and Baptism. Friendlier Phrase: faith practice

Sadducees: a Jewish group that opposed JC and His teachings but believed in the resurrection. Not sad people.

Saint Peter: supposedly the saint at heaven’s gates who lets you in or not. Friendlier Phrase: Heaven’s bouncer

Saint Pete’s Place: heaven

Sacrificed: to give up one’s life so another can live

Sacrificial Lamb: an old-time name for Jesus

Salt of the Earth: Christian, follower of Christ, believer

Salvation: to detour eternal damnation thanks to JC dying on the cross, having a “get out of hell free card”, having reservations in heaven, being saved from the messes you have gotten yourself into. See also Born again, Accepting Jesus in one’s hear

Sanctuary: room at the church where teens aren’t welcome, usually with stained glass windows and new carpeting

Save: to let JC rescue you from things you’ve done as well as what’s to come

Saved: to have made the decision to let JC change your life. Friendlier Phrases: changed, I’m new and improved, did a do-over, have recycled life, reformatted my beliefs, morphed, second-chancer, convert, transformed, new creature, new man, did a 180 with my life, new attitude, did a U-Turn, had a spiritual makeover, blew the dust off my Bible. See also Christian, Born Again, Come to Christ

Savior: what JC is to anyone that He has bailed out of a bad situation or a future in hell

Scripture: verses, divine dictation, letter from God, the Good book, the message, WORD, Bible

Scripture Memorization: something little kids do to earn candy bars at Daily Vacation Bible School or points at Sunday School. Friendlier phrase: downloading the Bible

Second Coming: JC returning to earth. Friendlier phrase: JC, the sequel

Second Chancer: another term for someone who’s born again

Secret Sins: things that you do and keep to yourself because you know they are wrong

Secular: not of the church, having no-religious value

Seeker: someone who is curious about Christianity

Seeker Service: a church service designed for those who are curious about the Christian faith that is also popular with church members whose curiosity has been turned off by regular church

Sermon: the pep talk you get when you go to church

Share the Good News: talking to someone about JC, what He has done for you and what He can do for them

Shaved Head: what hip youth pastors have in common with Apostle Paul

Shepherds: old guys with beards who hung out with sheep in Bible times

Sin: the biggest word in the English language, that covers all of your wrong doings, not just someone else’s.

Singles Ministry: planned outings where unmarried churchgoers mingle, play Pictionary, and eat at trendy restaurants with hopes of changing their marital status. Classic Christianese.

Sinners: anyone who has screwed up in one way or another, in other words, anyone who is human

Sinner’s Prayer: a sincere prayer between you and God when you ask for forgiveness for what you’ve done wrong, as well as say you believe Christ is who He says He is

Sitting on the Fence: someone who can’t decide if they take Christianity seriously or not, and many times believes just for the free ticket to heaven. See also lukewarm Christian

Slain in the Spirit: when someone is so overcome with the presence of the Holy Spirit, that they appear to pass out. Friendlier Phrase: Coma for Christ

Solid Christian: someone who knows the Bible and lives by the teaching of JC. See also mature Christian

Son of Man: another name for JC

Soul: the part of you that can’t be found in an anatomy book that contains your spiritual core

Soul Food: Bible Study

Soul Winner: someone who is on a mission to share the message of Jesus Christ

Soul Winning: sharing the message of Jesus Christ with someone who doesn’t want to lose out on His offer

Souled Out: another name for someone who is on fire for God. Other friendly phrases: Walking Billboard for Jesus, Holy Roller, Jesus Freak, Contagious Believer

Speaking in Tongues: a special prayer language where the one praying might not understand what he or she is saying, but God does. Friendlier Phrases: the Holy Spirit has your tongue, special prayer language

Special Music: a musical segment of the church service usually performed by somebody whose music ability isn’t all that special

Special Offering: an empty plate that circulates the pews usually for a good cause. See also Missionary offering

Spirit of Fear: something God didn’t give you. Check it out in II Timothy 1:7

Spirituality: the part of you that’s focused on God

Spiritual Battle: dealing with evil forces that can make you feel bad about yourself, situation and the future

Spiritual Disciple: see disciple

Spiritual Makeover: another way of saying born again. Other friendly phrases: change brands of belief, give the Christian thing a try, reformatted my beliefs, had a spiritual makeover, letting JC change my life. See also Born Again

Spiritual Laws: a systematic way of starting a relationship with Christ, that is usually depicted by dark cartoon drawings of a guy being tormented in hell. The laws are based on verses in the New Testament and cover these four points: 1. God Loves You and offers a wonderful PLAN for your life. 2. Man is SINFUL and SEPARATED from God. 3. Jesus Christ is God’s ONLY provision for Man’s sin. 4. We must individually RECEIVE Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.  Friendlier Translation: 1. God loves you and wants to bless you big time. 2. As a human, you have the right to screw up your life. 3&4. Jesus can undo your screw-ups and pick up your sin tab if you ask Him to.  See also Plan of Salvation, Born Again

Spiritual Warfare: dealing with evil powers that you know exist even though you can’t see them

Spirit-filled: having the power of Jesus Christ alive inside of you

Stans: countries ending in “stan” that are visited by most faithful missionaries: Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, and Uzbekistan See also “ia”

Steward: a worker that applies his Christian beliefs to his work, whether money management at home or not stealing paper clips from the supply room at the office

Street Evangelist: someone who passes out religious pamphlets to total strangers, with hopes of persuading them to believe in JC

Stunt Pastor: the guy who speaks when the pastor is out of town. See also Assistant/associate pastor

Suffering: something that will ultimately bring you closer to God

Subject of Gossip: pastor’s wife, new members, single mothers

Sunday Christian: someone who goes to church on Sunday, and is back to the same-o same-o on Monday

T

TCK Third Culture Kid. A child who has a passport from one country but grew up in another so can not really identify with anyplace other than airport terminals.

Temptation: wanting to do things you shouldn’t be doing

Ten Commandments: the Law of God, given to Moses on Mount Sinai. Friendlier Phrases: Big Time No-Nos. Life’s Top Ten Dead Ends

Testimony: this is the story of why you decided to follow JC. It shows how your life has changed and is very powerful when told to others. Friendlier Phrases: your story, your real deal, just what made you turn to JC, this is what made God real to me

The Lord be With You: a spiritual thing people say when they don’t know what else to say

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways: what is said to people when God does something out of left field, whether to their liking or to their disappointment

Theology: the study of God

Tithe: the money many churchgoers give each month. When viewed properly, tithing is giving God your best 10% of money, time, and attention. Friendlier Phrase: Giving God a tenth of what He deserves

Tracts: religious pamphlets that people pass out on street corners or buses that usually end up in trash

Transformed: another way to Christ changed you. See also Born again

Tribe: another name for a Christian denomination. See also Denomination

Trinity: the three-fold aspect of God as creator, as Christ, and Holy Spirit inside of you

Televangelist: someone on TV with bad hair and flashy clothing who is often more concerned with money than God. See also Evangelist

U

Uh Huh: what people shout at church (particularly large ladies in nice hats) when they like what the pastor is saying. See also Amen, Hallelujah, Preach it brother

Ultimate Free Offer: salvation

Unitarian: a non-Christian church where members believe that all religions lead to God

Ushers: the guys at church who collect offering as well as tell moms with crying babies that there is a nursery

V

Vacation Bible School (VBS): summer event where kids make crafts and learn about Jesus, usually with the help of a ventriloquist or puppeteer. Note: the word vacation and school should not be in the same sentence. Also known as Daily Vacation Bible School (DVBS). Friendlier Phrases: Summer faith fest, Bible bonanza, Salvation vacation

Vertical Conversation: prayer

Virgin Birth: see immaculate conception

W

Walk with God: praying or conversation with God that doesn’t involve physically walking, except when it’s used as a euphemism for death. For instance, after choking on a chicken bone, Uncle Ernie is now walking with God.

Walking Billboard for Jesus: someone who is on fire for God. Other friendly phrases: Holy Roller, Jesus Freak, Contagious Believer, Souled Out

Washed by the Blood: JC cleansing you from your wrong doings because He was sacrificed on the cross. Friendlier Phrase: Jesus gave me a clean slate. See also Saved

Washed Away My Sins: JC’s ability to give you a clean slate with God by forgiving you of all of your sins. Classic Christianese.Classic Christianese.

Wednesday Service: something that makes you feel guilty if you don’t go to it

Whosoever: a longer version of the word who that is seldom used outside of a church setting

Whale Jail: Jonah’s 3-day stay inside of a big fish

Why Me?: the human response to when God allows something to happen that involves suffering

Win to the Lord: sharing your Christian beliefs with somebody so they don’t lose their life to sin

Wisdom: another freebie from God (I Corinthians 1:30)

Witness: to tell others about Christ. Friendlier Phrase: Share your faith

Women’s Group: an excuse for ladies to get out of the house on Tuesday mornings

Worldly: un-changed by JC

Works: the list of godly things you have done, from saying your prayers to being kind to people with 12 items in the 10 Items or Less express lane. Many people think that the longer your list of works, the better chance of getting into heaven. Wrong. It’s Gods grace that gets you in

Worship: singing in church that may involve tambourines, guitars, organs, clapping, dancing, depending on the church

WWJD (what would Jesus do?): usually said to people who wouldn’t consider doing what Jesus would do if they weren’t asked the question. Friendlier Phrase: let your conscience be your guide

X

X-ians: individuals who left Christianity because it left a bad taste in their mouths

XXXchurch.com xxx.church.com: a Christian ministry that used to deals with the problem of pornography in the church even though many churches don’t want to admit the problem exists. Website is now

Y

Yahweh: Hebrew name for God. See also Jehovah

You Lack Faith: the explanation often given when God’s will is not your own, and your prayer didn’t lead to a new Porsche in your garage or millions in your bank account

Youth Service: the rare occurrence where teens are welcome in the main sanctuary because they are putting on the service

Youth Group: group of Dorito eating teens that expect you to forget how they talk during church service when they hit you up for a donation to camp

Youth Group Summer Camp: an experience that involves sleep deprivation that tests adult leaders’ patience

Youth Pastor: young energetic guy at church who only gets to speak on Sundays when the main pastor is out of town

 Z

Zacheus: the original shortie

Zealot: someone who is extremely radical for the faith

Zion: the city of God

Zoo: the Junior High Ministry

Zoo Cruise: Noah’s six-month stay on the ark full of animals