Christianese is the only language more confusing than Chinese. I heard it for the first time as a kid.
“Do you want to know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”
I was about six years old, sitting on a sticky pew in a small Bible church in southwestern Michigan. It was the summer of 1966, as my Grandma dragged me to her small church to attend Vacation Bible School with my older sisters and cousins, every day for two weeks, where we’d make crafts out of Popsicle sticks and memorize verses for miniature candy bars.
Now the person who asked me this supersized question was not by Grandma or the pastor, but a special guest by the name of Uncle Jim. He was a ventriloquist who came to our small town just to talk to us about Jesus with the help of a 31-inch dummy. The dummy, which was a Charlie McCarthy knock-off, wore a checkered suit and a red bow tie. The tie covered up the string in the back of his head that controlled a movable jaw.
Uncle Jim kept the dummy prisoner in a little suitcase. Once the dummy came out, it would sit on Uncle Jim’s lap, who would then be forced to talk with his lips shut for the remainder of the service. Along with every other kid in that hot sanctuary, I believed the words were being uttered by a dummy instead of the man behind him.
I was amazed back then, and a bit creeped out about it now.
When the dummy asked the question, it was in typical Vacation Bible School manner. He’d asked it right after singing the final chorus of Jesus Loves the Little Children and right before tallying up the points each of us received for bringing guests. Boys and girls who wanted to know Jesus as their personal Savior were told to raise their hand and make their way to the aisle. All eyes were closed, all heads were bowed, except for not really because everyone was peeking to see who was walking down the gauntlet.
On the last day of Bible school and the dummy asked its question one last time before returning to its tiny suitcase, I raised my hand and answered YES, even though I had no idea what it meant.
If I said yes, would my life be changed? Even more importantly, would I get another mini-Snickers bar? Within moments of raising my hand, I was standing in front of the church with all eyes on me.
Quickly, an old lady in a floral dress asked me to pray, while her underarm fat wobbling as she moved me towards the piano.
“Will you say the sinner’s prayer?” she asked.
I had no idea what that meant, either.
But I couldn’t back out. The lady looked mean and everyone was staring so I recited the sinner’s prayer, asked Jesus to be my savior, got my candy bar, and went home.
That was over a quarter of a century ago. Today, I still don’t know what “Do you want to know Jesus Christ as your personal savior?” means. That question, along with phrases like Born Again Christian and Slain in the Spirit have not been part of my religious experience.
Those phrases are Christianese, a language that is spoken in the land of stained-glass windows but not understood by anyone else.
It was my struggle with this churchy lingo that prompted me to put together TastyFaith’s Guide to Christianese in 2005. It contains slightly irreverent translations to terms to popular religionese.
Fourteen years later, Christianese is still one of the over seven thousand languages spoken on this planet. I found this out when I tried to listen to a “Where is God when Life Sucks?” book I purchased last night on Audible. The introduction contained so many smarmy Christian clichés, my ears wanted to vomit.
Don’t misunderstand me. My faith is still the center of my life even though moving to China and has been the equivalent of giving my faith a hit of blotter acid. I have questions I can’t un-think and my Chinese friends have even more. To make matters worse, Christianese is the only language more confusing than Chinese.
For starters, you can’t cut and paste it into Google Translate.
So voila, I am making non-fancy schmancy Guide to Christianese available on line for everyone. That way, you can explain your faith without sounding like a dummy.
TastyFaith’s Guide to Christianese.
You also might want to read about Chinese Superstitions
NOTE: As of 2009, at least a portion of the bible has been translated into 2508 languages. According to Ethnologue, there are 7,111 languages.